rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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