Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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