i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
