Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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