i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
