my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
