oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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