Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
