When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
