Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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