Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
