my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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