I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
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We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
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at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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