I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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