hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
