if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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