I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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