I will die if light touches me.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
this hospital has no fireball
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
