We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
