Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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