Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
