So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
