How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
