someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
