How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
