DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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