How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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