sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
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There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
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Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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