i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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