May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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