I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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