im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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