I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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