so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
