when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
