We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
