Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
