last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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