I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
