Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Is it because I queefed?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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