Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
