Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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