Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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