One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
