dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
