Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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