Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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