i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
