wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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