You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
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I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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