I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
