Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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